I Want You As Is, But Do You Want Me As Is?
by SP12122015
Summary: Post Age of Ultron fanfic. Natasha has loved only four people in her life and one didn't even know it. Steve would suffer in silence until his chance came to love another. Pain and Suffering seemed to be Natasha's and Steve's best friends. AU fic where right now in this moment all of their walls were breaking down, and they were left exposed to each other.


Why had she rushed in without us? She was supposed to wait for back up and now she was in danger. I know better than anyone that she can handle herself when it comes to fighting but right now in this moment I am not so sure. We were sent in to eliminate a Red Room link/base. Natasha was sent in deep cover to seduce one of the generals and make contact inside the base. We were supposed to be backup/the support team. But the Intel was no good. The General turned her up to the one of the higher up leaders, as it turns out The General was not exactly in girls per say. Alexei, Natasha's former husband, the Red Guardian, was the man that The General turned her over to. I tried to get Natasha to pull out and quit on the mission, but she insisted that she could handle it, that the Black Widow would not back down now.

We were sitting in a building level to the building across the street where Natasha and Alexei currently were. We had six snipers set up on corners on look out. I was with tact-team alpha, my hand picked and trained support group of 10 new Shield agents. We had coms to monitor the exterior of the building but it was too risky to put a line on Natasha directly. Instead we put as many mikes as possible on windows outside of the building.

Ever since the events of Ultron we were all battered. I was concerned for Natasha because she still hadn't shared her vision with me personally; our relationship was strained at best. She was still closed off from me, and it seemed like the road to recovery was going to be extremely slow. The only reason I knew what she saw was because I heard her tell Banner, I was going to check on her and I heard her talking to Banner, flirting with him, telling him everything. Since that moment I realized I didn't have her and that Natasha wasn't mine to have. I still haven't told her what I saw. No one ever asked me what I saw either. I kept it bottled up and I tried to push past it but being at Clint's, hearing her tell Banner everything, pretend as if it was nothing whenever he asked, as if there was nothing stay broke him. It tore him apart to know that she was hurting and he couldn't do anything about it. But he would be a good solider, he would hold his feelings, constantly try to make them go away, he would wait till he found someone else to love.

He was flashing in and out of it, going back between fantasies and nightmares, and flashbacks, that he almost missed it. The slightest sound, the smallest whimper he almost didn't catch it. He played it back, than he listened live and heard it again.

"Tact-Team Alpha, move out Sixth floor right quadrant. The Black Widow needs back up."

"Are you sure Cap?"

"Yes, now go." His team geared up and moved out, he ordered the snipers to take out the ground door guards, than go thermal over-watch and escort the Tact-team up to the location of the Black Widow. He jogged over the other side of the roof, then turned around, he went into a dead out sprint and jumped off the ledge. He rolled onto the other roof, and broke in through the roof door. He would be able to clear the top floor and meet up the Tact-Team to provide back up for the Black Widow. He stormed the floor and easily took out the 5 patrolmen; he cleared the stairs and rushed into the sixth floor, behind him the Tact-team walked in. They went room by room.

"Two guards in coming Cap, West Stair well, Snipers area no go."

"We got them. Danny, Mike, move down take them out, silencers only." They nodded and marched down the hall, while he continued to clear rooms, he finally made it to the last room. He barged in ready to attack, when he found her.

Natasha was standing there in covered in blood from head to toe. She was shaking. What he presumed was Alexei was lying at her feet, lifeless. He rushed over to the far end of the room and cleared it, and then he moved back to Natasha and enveloped her with his larger frame. She stopped shaking and sunk into her embrace.

"It's okay Romanoff. Its over, its all clear. Come on lets go home." He pulled her towards the door, she was rigid and cold, so he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the opposite building and onto their Quinjet. The Tact-team and snipers were in a second one. He set her down in the back on a bench and then went to the pilot seat, he forced the controls down and they lifted up into the air. He hated modern technology, but this was one of the few things he gave into and learned. Once they were up a couple hundred feet he engaged stealth mode and then got the plane on autopilot headed for DC, for Shield head quarters. He walked to the back again. He grabbed a quilt from the overhead storage and pulled Natasha into his lap and wrapped her in the quilt. And they stayed like that for the five-hour flight back to DC from Russia. **(Technically flights from Moscow to the DC area are 32 hours long but we are just going to ignore that small fact.)** "It's okay Nat, were safe, it's over." It was the first time that he called her Nat in a long time. She couldn't even place the last time he called her anything other than Romanoff since the avengers reassembled.

"It was Alexei, he was the Red Guardian, he was alive and he was almost a perfect replica of you, and he was a weapon of the Red Room."

He was one of the only four men she had ever loved. She fell in love with Alexei by mistake, he was a mark and she fell in love with him, only for him to have supposedly died before her eyes. Then James/the Winter Solider trained her and stole her heart. He had left her and had disappeared, she learned later on that the Red room had refrozen him and taken his memory away. Then Clint when he saved her. He showed her that she could be good and do good with her life and abilities. When she learned of his wife, she turned those feelings into brotherly love. They meant everything to each other. Now Steve had just waltzed into her life and had stolen her heart without even knowing it. Her feelings for him ran deep and had almost consumed her. Despite her training to be cold, calculating, to believe that love was for children, here she was in love with Steve Rogers. She had pushed these feelings away, chased after a monster in a hopeless attempt to find someone she thought she was actually worthy of. And in this moment she wanted nothing more than to wallow in misery. She sunk into his embrace and continued to replay the scene in her head.

The General had brought her to that building. It seemed like he was playing along with her advances. She just needed Intel to take back to Shield. Then he was turning her over to another leader of the Red Room, guess he wasn't interested. Steve had tried to talk her out of it, to get her to go back and abandon the mission. She wouldn't give up though; she pushed through it and went ahead. As she entered the room she saw him. Alexei was there waiting by the window. She stuck to her mission at first, and tried to gather Intel, and then she tried to plead with him, make him remember what they shared. Then she realized he had been brain washed, he didn't remember her and while she tried to get him remember, he became a man on a mission. He started to attack her quickly. It was like fighting Steve, but Alexei wasn't pulling his punches or kicks, nor was he holding back. She was the defensive and she was struggling to hold her ground. She had been kicked in the jaw and then jabbed in the stomach. She tried to single over watch but the first kick seemed to damage her distress button. She finally had him pinned down and she tried to plead with him again. Then he punched her again, she flipped and pulled a knife out. Next thing she knew, she had slight his throat. She was covered in his blood and more was leaking from his body on top of her. She pushed him off and finally got up off the ground. That was when Steve had come in and cleared the room bringing her back to the Quinjet.

She came out of her thoughts when Steve shifted beneath her and slowly released his hold on her. He stood up and walked back to the cockpit. He took control of the plane and landed it on the tarmac. Then they entered the main building. Steve took them to their office and grabbed their gear and the files, when the AI came online and requested mainly Natasha's presence at Fury's office immediately for a debrief. She was till covered in Alexei's blood and Steve was now also covered his blood, but also in her tears from holding for the past five hours. Steve took her and their things down the hall to Nick's office he stopped her before she entered.

"You don't have to do this, he can wait till tomorrow." Steve entered Nick's office and in five minutes he returned looking defeated. He had told Nick briefly what had happened from his end of the plan, he then pleaded to allow Natasha to debriefed tomorrow, he told Nick that she was in too much shock. But Nick pulled rank saying that he was the director and that he was out of line as an associate director. Steve looked at her solemnly and then she entered Nick's office. Twenty minutes later and a little bit of screaming, she exited the office and Steve was still waiting there clad in his bloody outfit, bags in hand. Her eyes were still glossy and he took the initiative to walk to his truck in the garage. He helped her into the car and then he took them to his apartment. He got a new one off books after the DC issue and Ultron. He led her upstairs and to his bathroom. He turned on the shower and heated it up. He walked into her room grabbed two fresh towels and a pair of old plaid sweats and a small go army shirt. He helped her into the bathroom.

After battles and missions, it wasn't uncommon for them to dress wounds until they could reach medics. Often they both had been shirtless after missions. He was always respectful and kept his eyes locked on hers or on her wounds, never higher or lower then where they needed to be. He did the same now. He helped her out of her Cat suit, stripping off his own and dropped them on the floor by the sink. He helped her into the shower and stepped in himself. He took off his other shirt as well, now before her in just his boxers. He stood her in front of the spray and started to wash off the blood from her body. Her bruises were starting to form on her ribs and jaw and thigh. He turned her again and allowed the water to start to wash off the blood on her back. He inspected her injuries, and nothing seemed to be broken, they were just intense bruises. They would probably heal within a week, with her version of the serum. Then left her to finish showering in private while he went to his bedroom bathroom and finished showering the grim out of his hair. He left her grab bag on the bathroom floor. He finished showering within a few minutes and he toweled off slipping on a pair of sweats and a fitted black under amour tee. He would have gone to bed shirtless but with Natasha here, he couldn't.

When he approached the main bathroom her knocked before entering, and when he entered, he found Natasha standing there in his plaid pants and shirt he left for her, the rest of her clothes in the same pile as his uniform. She was drying her hair with the towel. He gave her a small smile and picked up the rest of the laundry and went to the washer and dryer. He had to admit it, his lose fitting pants and tee on her was a very sexy look to him. _No Rogers, damn it; stop having those types of thoughts about her._ He went back to her to find some tears sliding down her cheeks. He wiped them away with his hands. His large hands framing her face, _her skin feather soft under his calloused hands._

"Come on lets get you to bed." She nodded and followed Steve to his bedroom. He helped her into the bed, pulling down the covers and letting her sit down. He moved to leave the room. He was going to sleep on the couch, to give her, her privacy, but she stopped him, tugging on his hand.

"Don't go. Stay." It was almost inaudible. He turned to look down into her eyes they were pleading and the pain and agony in them made his heart break.

He nodded and walked round to the other side of the bed. He switched off the lights and crawled into the bed. He rolled over so that he was shadowing her; her back was to him at first. Then she rolled over, face to face with him. She leaned on to him and burrowed into the warmth of Steve's body. Steve pulled her close and laid flat on his back. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her. He knew it meant nothing, but he just wanted to dream for a few moments that this was normal, that she was his to hold at night. He slowed drifted off to sleep, when Natasha's tears finally subsided.

When Steve came to again, the sun was filtering through the blinds, he became acutely aware of a weight on his chest and the scent of Strawberry and Vanilla. He turned his head to see Natasha curled into his chest. The memories of last night came flooding back. He sighed and slowly removed himself from the bed. He went to the bathroom; he washed his face and brushed his teeth before heading to the kitchen to start making breakfast. He was about done with the eggs, sausage, bacon, and pancakes when he heard the door creak.

She woke up alone in a bed she didn't remember, in clothes and room that didn't belong to her. She turned over and saw a photo of Steve, Peggy and Bucky. She was in Steve's apartment. She stretched and finally everything about last night came to her. The amazing feeling of Steve's arm around her waist, his steady strong heartbeat under her hands, all of it overwhelming and pleasing all at the same time. She glanced at the clock, it was eight o'clock in the morning, she had never slept in that late, but then again she had never slept so peacefully, without nightmares. She walked over the door and walked out to find Steve in the kitchen cooking. He looked up to see her staring back at him.

"Sleeping beauty finally woke up."

"Steve." He walked over to her stopping everything he was doing in the kitchen. He grabbed her and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Hey its okay." And after a few minutes in silence, "Why don't you freshen up and join me for breakfast. I was going to serve you in bed but you got up first." She nodded against his chest and retreated back into the bedroom. Steve set up the table and then she joined him. She flashed him a small smile before beginning to eat.

She had to admit it, Steve was a great cook, and she had to bit back a slight moan in fact. She looked up to see Steve engrossed in the morning paper. He head was barely visible over the top of the paper. As she finished eating she got up and started loading dishes, cleaning the kitchen. Steve stepped up and snuck up behind her and put his hands on her. She was pressed against his back and in that moment nothing mattered. She felt so safe and content. His breath was hot on her neck.

"Stop. I'll do it later." Her hand fit into his so perfectly. She turned in his arms and looked into his eyes. She saw nothing but adoration and love and pain. She knew if she didn't do anything she would still just be toying with him. Her knees were weak from being so close to him. She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips. It was an innocent brush of lips at first. Then she wrapped her hand around his neck pulling him closer, his lips closer to his. He pulled her by her waist to his chest. Then there was nothing.

"Romanoff, stop." He said using his captain tone with her. If only he knew how much she loved that voice, how much it turned her on.

"What Steve? Do you not want this?" His eyes and face softened.

"I want you more than anything else in the world, but I want you as you, not as someone seeking to repay a favor. I want Natalia Alianovna Romanova, not a façade of her."

"Steve?" Her face faltered, he had cracked her walls, no more like torn them down, and he disarmed all of her defense mechanisms. His hands came to cup her face. He looked into her eyes with burning desire.

"I want you as you, I want you without trying to work an angle. I know you have your monsters, but so do I. You are not too broken for me or anyone else." Her hands came up lying upon his rather large ones.

"Steve I'm no good for you and you know it."

"No I don't know it. What I know is that I am in love with you for who you are as you are. What I know is that if you walk away now, there won't be another chance, I have waited so long, longed for you for so long. I can't suffer in silence any longer. If you walk away now I will be forced to move on, in the face of rejection. So don't walk away, don't push me away."

"Steve, I…I have loved you for so long. I am sorry for causing both of us so much pain."

"Shh."

"But."

"No." His finger lay on top of her lips. "Lets enjoy this moment, enjoy each other's comfort." He leaned down again and kissed her. When they broke apart breathless, she said "Thank you Steve, for everything. For being there even in my darkest moments."

"Anytime Natasha." He kissed her again, dishes long since forgotten.


End file.
